A Friday Night At Home (Spring Break 2010)

I just start thinking, then the typing starts...

And there I go again... I keep telling myself (since I only write to myself it seems) that I'm gonna post a blog and that'll get me back in the loop of doing it as often as I used too... It's a shame that it doesn't work like that.

I have all these thoughts brewing up in my head that I know would make good reading material, I just never put pen to paper (or finger to keyboard, whatever).

I've realized how college changes people, big time. I'll always be me, just not the same exact me I was from 2005 to 2009. Even though I changed throughout my years of high school as well. I'm just not sure how much of a problem I have with it. Sure I hate some of the aspects, like the fact that I don't write as much as I used too. That's multiple things like being too busy on top of school just getting to me and wiping out all of the creative thinking going on in my head.

I feel like college puts you through terrible things just to make you better off in the end. Smart people will suddenly feel dumb, just for a lack of preparation when they get there. They start wanting to transfer home and things like that, start questioning their whole future. I never made it that far, but I know of some people who have.

I have gotten to the point where I feel weird being here, at home. Home? This place? No way... I spent a good couple months at school without taking a trip back here and all of a sudden it's not home anymore. I hate that I feel that way. I'm not necessarily saying that I can't wait to get back because I am definitely enjoying the time off but it's weird. I almost think I'd be enjoying it more if I just had the time off and was sitting in SigEp (my fraternity house) right now. I'm just so out of the loop with being here, I feel so weird. Maybe I just miss my roommates and the other guys.

Time is definitely helping though, especially with today. This is kind of a typical New Albany Friday night for me. I go do my thing with my friends throughout the day then come home and chill. No problem with that, those weekend nights at home is what would put me in the mood to do things like this.

I'd say I'm doing pretty well for being here on spring break, but I did want it this way. I've spent some time with some friends and family, though I wish McKenna was here as well but that's okay. She'll be 21 this summer, I'm sure we'll spend some quality time haha. I'd say the days this week with my people have been less than eventful for the most part but good times for sure (except for pregnant girls at the club). It's still not the same though, something is just not the same. Maybe it's not having the big homie around anymore, it's just not home without Trell, but I have no choice but to get used to that. Rest in paradise fam...

It doesn't help to come back and see how much things have changed here. I walk into my work and I don't know anyone, someone I do know has some new haircut, people I never imagined together have some great relationship, not to mention my house has some interior remodeling going on. I get a break from school just to come home and my dad put me to work. I'm not complaining though, it's nothing but quality time to me.

Maybe eight days is too much though, after getting so comfortable at school I mean. Christmas break was no problem because I was always on edge at school, but now that I'm comfortable there and doing all the right things like good grades, I never really want to leave. After Thursday I was ready to go back, just too much of my mom I guess. I love her but she is definitely overwhelming.

And maybe I just got a lot on my mind, and I don't want to put anything else on there. Like my (Greek) big sister would ask me about why I was making dumb decisions at school, when I knew they were bad decisions. That's a fair enough question I'd say. It took me forever to come up with a legitimate answer but then it hit me. "I'd rather deal with that empty feeling after hooking up with someone, because even though as much as it sucks it's a hell of a lot better than that awful feeling you get from a break up, or even a relationship you were almost in that never really got there. A failure." Is that fair enough? Does anyone feel me on that? I never did well with break ups, granted I haven't been in a relationship in a long time. It's not like I haven't wanted to or tried, they just fall through and I get that awful feeling again. Yeah it's not as bad as a break up but it's a lot worse than it not happening. I've stopped that though, it just took some time, being new to the whole college thing.

It's things like that, just things I get mad at myself for. There's all kinds of things on my mind, just like every other person I'm sure, but not the same things. This job opportunity in Evansville, but am I even worthy of it? The fact that I'm a super pledge weighing on me all the time, killing me that I didn't make it to that one week but I'm glad enough that I'm still around for another chance.

I prayed for a couple good friends this past weekend, right in front of them. That was not easy. People may wonder why, but that means a lot to me. I know how it makes me feel when someone prays for me, especially right there with me in front of them. I remember the first time Matt did, that was just the beginning of a new life for me, or the preview to it. But meaning so much to me made it hard because that's the person I want to be, I want to be that person people ask for that, because of the way I look up to those people that ask for prayers from. I just don't know if I'm quite worthy of it, but I want to be, a lot more than some other things.

I spent some quality time with a friend tonight, seems like it brought back some old feelings. I don't know what to think of that, being in Evansville and what not. But I can't pretend to act like I forgot those old feelings, like they died when I moved or something like that, that text message I got definitely made me think. I catch myself reading it more than once so I'm sure I read it right. I just hope she's not putting something on herself she doesn't want to think about.

Jeeze.... what am I doing haha, I love to put myself on blast like this. What I strange life I lead, but I can't help it. Without this, I'm just that mysterious type to those I'm not close to I guess. It's not like anyone reads it anyways. This break's bout over, John Mayer concert tomorrow, can't wait for that one. Then Sunday it's back to school, gotta go to church though. I don't know what I would do without Northside that's for sure, that's one thing that helps make this place feel like home.

"Me and all my friends, we're all misunderstood. They say we stand for nothin' and there's no way we ever could. Now we see everything that's goin' wrong with the world and those who lead it, we just feel like we don't have to means to rise above and beat it. So we keep on waiting, waiting on the world to change. We keep on waiting, waiting on the world to change. It's hard to beat the system when we're standing at a distance. So we keep on waiting, waiting on the world to change."

-->Alex Richey<--