A year ago, you would've been crazy to think you'd see me in chuch and even a month ago, getting baptized was not something I had even considered. Now it's all different, this is the path for me, this is the person that I want to be and I could not have made a better choice.
When I was young (like child status) I had occasionally been drug into church. It's not like I didn't necessarily want to go, I just didn't understand, wasn't made to understand so I didn't care much, just went and behaved.
As I got older, more into the middle school ages I went a little more often. I would go to the FCA meetings after school and sometimes to the youth groups on Wednesdays. As I look back onto it I see that I really was only there because I had friends there. Sure I sang along with the songs and stuff but I never got the message. I would sit and listen, but I never really heard what was being said, it just wasnt on my wavelength. So I stopped going for a while.
In high school I would go to church occasionally with my grandma, or with my dad and step mom. I could just never get into it and the catholic church was just really not for me. No disrespect to those who are catholic, it's just not my thing. I really tried hard to get into it, go some sundays, go like every wednesday but it never did anything for me.
I never grew up with the most satifying life. For a while things went well but when they started getting at home around the time I was getting into middle school, they never got better. It was like things would appear to be improving and just never did. Like every little promise was being broken. This was kind of motivation for me to get into it but it never worked. My grandma did it, my granny was in church, and my mom was going with my grandma and taking my brothers as well, and my little sisters are going to a catholic school. It was as if I was the only one not getting in touch.
My grandma would ask me to go to church occasionally and I would just to make her happy, she would ask me if I'd like to attend some camps and I would in the best way I could find a reason not to go. I wasn't much for having the stuff shoved down my throat when it wasn't something I was into. My mom would ask me why I never went anymore. My honest excuse was the one I gave her, "it doesn't do anything for me." That was the truth. I had spent time praying, going to church, and paying dues, hoping for things to be looking up, hoping for my miracle that never happened. She accepted it, for she knew how I felt and wouldn't try to force me into although she would have rather me been there.
I had become anti-church. It wasn't that I was atheist because I did believe there was a God, it's just that I didn't believe in that God, didn't believe that it was my God. I was respectful to all those who chose that life style, it was just not my life style. I had tried and tried and it had just never had the effect I had wanted it to so I just shut it out.
I had got to the point where I wasn't gonna look to God for answers, only myself with no consideration for any other way. I had become ambitious, living only for me. I felt as if I was the only person who could make my life better. I didn't like to ever discuss religion with people, especially my family. People want to see someone who loves God, maybe they are envious and impressed sometimes, and I did not want to let anyone down but at the same time I would not avoid being honest so I would therefore feel like an ass for not being what they may want.
I'm not sure when it was that I started hanging out with Michael, sometime when there was still snow on the ground, and I'm not sure when the first time he invited me to church was, I think it was sometime after the snow melted. But I do remember feeling like an ass for being honest with him about my opinion on it. Here is my pretty good friend at the time, not as close as we are now but still someone I hang with a lot, he ask me to go to church with him one day and the only response I have for him is "Church is a hustle to me." and that was my honest opinion. I had gotten out of it so much that I was against it. I had only though of church as something that was designed to get your money. So he left it alone for a while and after inviting me a couple more times I abided and decided to try it out....
I don't remember my first time going to Northside, I was still in my idea of it not being for me, but after going a couple times and attending the Rising occasionally I started to pay attention. I had still never considered my baptism but I was starting to enjoy church somewhat, started to remember what was being talked about, started relating it to my life. Started to actually hear the message.
I remember Easter, my family was mad at me for not going with them but going to Northside for church was what I wanted to do and like I had said, the Catholic church is just not for me. Sure I did feel kind of bad for it but I had to do what is right for me and of course I did not want to turn down brunch with my best friend's family afterwards, the friend that had got me going to church in the first place. I was getting close to graduating, I'm less that a week from moving away now so I started to feel as if I needed to make some decisions on my own.
It started to seem as if faith had a bigger and bigger part in my life as time went on, even though that was not necessarily a big part since I had started from pretty much zero. I remember the long talks with Wendy my manager when I would get off work, this very religious woman, and seeing what she had been through, I listened and I listened very attentively. That helped my growth along with this message I had heard at church in the early part of June about living small, living like Jesus. Matt Allman gave that message and it had hit me harder than any other I had ever heard to that point. I even someone based an older blog on it (post #19) "The Greatness Of Self." After that I had definitely wanted to go to church.
From the later part of June until early/mid part of July I was very busy. Two weeks in Evansville for school, a week home, then a week on vacation. I missed a lot of church in those weeks, and strangely enough, I was not happy about it, I wanted to get back into the church and it was one of the reasons that I wanted to be home.
Shortly after I got home Michael had to go on his church retreat which I had originally wanted to go but could not afford too and was much too tired of being gone. When he came home Steven and I went to the Rising with him that next Sunday to hear about the retreat. These people had all these great stories about how much they had learned while they were there and how much closer they had grown to God. I was greatly envious and I had seen seven people get baptised that evening. That may have been the most amazing thing I had ever seen in my life just to see God have this kind of effect on these people, they were all just so happy... Like they had all just been given new life. It was incredible, it was from that moment that I knew I wanted that in my life. That was two weeks ago.
I had let the days go by just considering it, making a little mention of me wanting to get baptized to a few people, none to my family. I had just felt if I was to tell them before and then not go through with it that I would let them down, and there was still that uncertianty to it.
All that uncertianty had gone this past Friday at the Block when I had spoke to Matt about it. I told him and he thought it was great and he sat me down to have a talk about it. I told him my story in where I had stood my whole life with faith, basically all this typed here and he told me that I was getting baptized Sunday. Strangely it was one of the best things anyone had ever told me. I don't know how or why I got to feeling the way I do but I'm glad I do, I wouldn't have it anyother way. Then he prayed for me, prayed for the decision I had made, prayed for my future life, my new life with Christ. I had never had anyone ever pray for me until then.
He prayed like he was sitting across from God instead of me, prayed like he was talking to one of his buddies. That was something I had never had when I was younger and couldn't get into it. I would pray and instead of talking to God it was more like I was just thinking about what I wanted to pray about to myself. It was one of those things that just made me want to give up. Now I know how to talk to God though and all the doubt is gone.
I was tired of living for only me, I wanted more purpose in my life and I found that purpose with the help of the church, and more importantly and more importantly my friends. Now I have God as that higher purpose and I know I am not doing it alone.
I knew going in there that I wanted Michael to baptize me, or atleast help Matt do it. If not for Michael taking me, I'd never had been in there and if not for the things I had heard Matt say during the Rising and during Sunday mornings I would not have been in that water. All it took was a couple of questions, a couple of confessions. They weren't hard to answer, it was a simple yes or no but it was evidence of how much my life had been changed in such a short time because a few months ago the answers would have been all no.
A part of me feels kind of bad for not telling my family before, but it was the choice I had thought to be the right one. I wanted this for me, not anyone else. I didn't know if it would be the right thng for them to be there because they weren't part of my transition. It also makes me proud that it was a decision that I had made on my own, I wouldn't have done it if I was told do and nobody had ever really suggested it. Sometimes the choices you have to make don't necessarily make everyone happy but you have to live with that because you can't make everyone happy. You gotta make you happy first because you always have to live with yourself.
I'm glad I made the choice I did, there is no empty feeling in my anymore. I hope I can be the inspiration for someone the way my best friend was to me. There can be no better feeling than having a positive impact on someone's life I'm sure. I'm just an example that this is possible, a life with God is possible, and it's the best life to live for me. This is My New Life.
"It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life... for me." -Michael Buble: Feeling Good
-->Alex Richey<--
