I've really started to miss home. I just graduated high school this year and i should really be having a good time but this summer has been almost nothing but work work work.. On June 18th I went to UE for two weeks for my orientation and a summer class, the EDGE program. That was two weeks long, after that was over, came home for 10 days, then I went to myrtle beach. Yeah it was myrtle beach, nice place but when you have only been home just a little over a week in the past month, there is no place like home. I figured out the other day that I have been away from home this summer about the same amount of time that I have been at home. I haven't started my semester yet, I don't need to get used to it yet, that's just how I feel.
Wednesday marks the start of my final month here at home. I really don't know what to say about that one, I feel like life as I know it is just being yanked out from under my feet, like I'm the dinette set on top of a table clothe and someone is gettin' ready to pull. I'm not gonna land on the table though, I'm gonna fall.
I've been graduated for well over a month now, I have hung out with one person I graduated with, one time. That's all. It's kinda pathetic I know, and it's not necessarily something I like, it's just the way it is. I can honestly say that I have tried to, it just doesn't always work out, I mean something is always wrong somewhere with something. Remember this imperfect life? Nothing is ever perfect, you just have to live it to the best of your abilities.
This past month has just been killer, like major.... Three weeks I have spent away from home, that's three weeks of losing money because if your not making money, then your losing it. Even if your not spending it, your missing an opportunity to make it, a missed opportunity is a loss. This is the worst possible time for it as well, it seems as if everything that cost money is hittin' me right now, I'm glad I paid some bills in advance because I don't know how'd I'd manage paying them along with everything else. I like how the day before I leave for vacation, I blow a tire, and the day I get my tire replaced my antennae falls off... What the hell is up with that?
One thing that is really wrong with this Summer so far is that it has me feeling as if I have already moved away. I was supposed to use it to spend time with my family and the friends that I have right now before I move away and things become different. Things are gonna be different, they already are in a lot of ways and I'm yet to really begin. The summer program doesn't really count, yeah it's a class but I'm home now. I haven't had the opportunity to spend this summer with many of my friends at all, I haven't even really had the opportunity to try. I've talked to some people but it's just not the same... I haven't seen like anybody from clarksville at all this summer, haven't seen Mckenna since the day before she went on vacation, that's over a month and she's been home. I haven't seen Secoy since the day before Mickey left. Man how I miss my boy Mickey Callis. I need to write that dude and I've been slackin, I'm gonna get on that soon though. The last time I saw my cousin was a pretty tragic day, I'd much rather it be a good time.
I'd much rather leave here on a good note in general. Everybody probably has a negative feeling towards me now though because I haven't talked to many of them in a good while. They may get the idea that I consider myself better than them since I'm going away to this private college while the majority of them are staying home. It's not like that at all, I can't help if people don't fit into my life right now, if they really think that I've become some ass hole then they can kiss my ass hole. I don't really care... I'm not legit because I'm going away on a scholarship? I feel like I'm as real as it gets and I'm doing what I can to improve me because that's all it comes down to is looking out for number one.
Life's not easy right now, I feel like I'm getting beat in the head with a blunt object. No, I don't have a headache all the time but it's like I can never find balance, like something is always hitting me, knocking me out of the loop. It's not that I'm scared of the change, I'm just not used to it. Things were the same for a long time and now it's all changing so fast, my body and my mind are struggling to keep up, but they'll catch up eventually. The other day somebody told me that God was testing me. A couple months ago I would've laughed at them... "What God?" I'd probably say... I was starting to feel like religion was just a comfort zone for people who needed to feel like everything actually did happen for a reason. Well now I actually do follow the gospel, sometimes study it. I know I can pass the test, this one I may actually have to study for, that's not something I actually do. Probably the reason I didn't get a higher ranking, maybe I should start to try, start to care.
This whole going out on a good note thing has been a struggle so far. I made somebody really sad recently, hurt her feelings. Really didn't want to do that, ultimately it was my fault, I will take the blame for that. I feel like the actions of her and maybe some other people around could have led to that not happening but those actions never happened. I felt like shit, a complete ass. The one thing I do agree with that people say about me, a nice guy. I'd like to keep that title, but I feel like I do things to mess it up. I'm glad all that is okay now, but it did some damage to me. I just can't stand to be the one to make somebody sad, I'm usually the one trying to be the shoulder to cry on.
I've been trying to spend some more time at my mom's house recently. I lived with her for the first 16 years of my life and now I'm bout to move away. She's one of those types with the letting go problem. I hated being gone three weeks out of the past month, I can't really even imagine what that did to her, I'm her first child, she has to hate it I know. It doesn't help that all this time she gets to see me is limited. It also makes me feel kinda bad that I want to go hang out with my friends more that my family recently. The family love is unconditional, which is not the same for the friends, these are people you can live without and usually end up getting weeded out. I don't necessarily want that to happen yet so I'm trying to make the best of the time I have.
We can call that my certain situation right now, just trying to make the best of the time I have. I'd say I'm doing a little bit better than others who are just letting it slip away, like I bout did. This past year has been a roller coaster thats for sure. Wanting just move on and wanting to hold on. Right now I'm wanting to hold on just because I realize how close I am from having no choice but to move on. I'm okay with that, that's the way it is. I got great people around me right now, can't complain a bit, I really care about these people but there is about to be a time where these relationships are going to be tested. I know of a few that will continue to matter, I'm still trying to decide on some others.
I got about a month to go, and I got a lot to do between now and then. Okay God, bring on the exam, I'm as ready as I'll ever be, probably can't find another as ready as me...
I'm just one man, waiting on my world to change. Until then, I'm just trying to make the best of the time I have left, God knows I don't have much...
-->Alex Richey<--
