Our God is doin' BIGSTUF

Don't mind the spelling, you'd get it if you were there...

Yesterday I returned home from what was undoubtedly the greatest four day span of my life. I'm talkin' like pure incredible. The BIGSTUF camp in Panama City Beach, and you thought that PCB was all about gettin' hammered drunk right? Wrong! It was used for worship, possibly the greatest example of it ever.

Everything we do is through what we think. Our thoughts reflect our words, which reflect our actions, which reflects our habits, which defines who we are. The most important thing that we think is what we think when we think about God. When we think about how great he is, the work he does, the way he loves us.

I saw there greatest gesture of God's power, watching people confess that they need Jesus in front of nearly 2000 others. Hearing one of my best friends tell me that he wanted to get baptized. Might have been the thing that I looked for the most in going there. Talking about it to someone last night brought me to tears because I am so happy, the happiest I have been in the longest time. Just to know that I helped to the work of God in being there to bring others to him is awesome.

Being a leader there meant a little extra responsibility, and more things to go to. None of us where much enthused by the extra stuff but I did hear one thing that will stick with me the rest of my life. "God uses broken people to tell his story of restoration and redemption." We are all God's broken people!!! We have all been broken at some point, those of us to allow our selves to be lifted up by God go on to tell the world of this magnificent change.

There was a time when I was the one, broken and lost... Until I found The Rising, and it did just that, raised me up. Now I'm here, restored and redeemed, ready to show someone else the light. What a bright light it is...

People will read this and think I'm crazy.. Maybe they are right, I'm crazy about God. They'll realize that the person who they went to high school with would never be writing this, that I'm not even that person anymore. The glory of God goes beyond all fame...

Besides the nearly 2000 total, the nearly 200 of the Rising is what I really care about the most. I've never made so many friends in such a short period of time, the work of God is amazing... The way that people come together for him is impossible for anything else. That alone should be enough to show one the power he has.

Romans 12:2-Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

That first sentence means change the way you think. Or maybe it says to be reborn all together. Either way, change the way you think about God until you conform to the second sentence.

There's just no real way to put it into words, you just have to be there... I'm sure it won't be my last.

Think-Live-Serve-Love

-->Alex Richey<--

Surrounded By God

So I talked to my youth pastor the other day about how I'm doing a presentation of a sermon for my religion class this week and I know what I wanna talk about, but just not sure of how to go about doing it. Matt told me to write it, like I do on here. The perfect way to start it because this stuff, well it's me. So here goes nothing...

So people ask a lot of questions about God. I mean, we have no real knowledge of God besides our own relationships. One question I'd say comes up often is "Where is God?" I believe the answer to be quite easy actually, God is everywhere. Some seem to think that you need to go to a church to find God or somewhere where people are doing the work of God like giving back in some way, something like that, no specifics. But like I said, God is everywhere, everything. God is there on a city street, amongst all the people, in this study lounge with me, in the church, everywhere you go.

Most of all, God is in you, in everyone. And as counterproductive as this sounds, you gotta pull God out of you. I know I know... Sounds weird. But think about it.. If you keep God in you, you may just bury him to deep. You have to pull God out of you, hold God above your head. This way, you can always hear him. You cannot hear what goes on inside of your body (besides your stomach sometimes of course), you cannot hear your heart beat without a stethoscope just as if you would not be able to hear God from the inside. God speaks to us, it's up to us to listen.

If we do not listen, if we do not work to build our relationship with the LORD we just bury him deeper inside us. When we do not work to keep this relationship strong, God is no longer on the outside. When we start to do things to not help us, skipping on worshiping, replacing time for God with time for other things, we create idols. This is like burying God in sand and then adding water to it. This is what you want to avoid, you may never get him back. But maybe if you realize you may be creating idols then you can fix it. You can pray, you can start living for God more often then hopefully you can pull God out of the sand.

We're all surrounded by God and there's nothing we can do about that, but it's up to us to accept the part of God that is inside us and what to do with it. Do you bury it or do you hold it high? I suggest figuring it out before you want to hold it high and it's already buried much too deep to find again...

Deuteronomy 3:16 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave nor forsake you.

-->Alex Richey<--

A Friday Night At Home (Spring Break 2010)

I just start thinking, then the typing starts...

And there I go again... I keep telling myself (since I only write to myself it seems) that I'm gonna post a blog and that'll get me back in the loop of doing it as often as I used too... It's a shame that it doesn't work like that.

I have all these thoughts brewing up in my head that I know would make good reading material, I just never put pen to paper (or finger to keyboard, whatever).

I've realized how college changes people, big time. I'll always be me, just not the same exact me I was from 2005 to 2009. Even though I changed throughout my years of high school as well. I'm just not sure how much of a problem I have with it. Sure I hate some of the aspects, like the fact that I don't write as much as I used too. That's multiple things like being too busy on top of school just getting to me and wiping out all of the creative thinking going on in my head.

I feel like college puts you through terrible things just to make you better off in the end. Smart people will suddenly feel dumb, just for a lack of preparation when they get there. They start wanting to transfer home and things like that, start questioning their whole future. I never made it that far, but I know of some people who have.

I have gotten to the point where I feel weird being here, at home. Home? This place? No way... I spent a good couple months at school without taking a trip back here and all of a sudden it's not home anymore. I hate that I feel that way. I'm not necessarily saying that I can't wait to get back because I am definitely enjoying the time off but it's weird. I almost think I'd be enjoying it more if I just had the time off and was sitting in SigEp (my fraternity house) right now. I'm just so out of the loop with being here, I feel so weird. Maybe I just miss my roommates and the other guys.

Time is definitely helping though, especially with today. This is kind of a typical New Albany Friday night for me. I go do my thing with my friends throughout the day then come home and chill. No problem with that, those weekend nights at home is what would put me in the mood to do things like this.

I'd say I'm doing pretty well for being here on spring break, but I did want it this way. I've spent some time with some friends and family, though I wish McKenna was here as well but that's okay. She'll be 21 this summer, I'm sure we'll spend some quality time haha. I'd say the days this week with my people have been less than eventful for the most part but good times for sure (except for pregnant girls at the club). It's still not the same though, something is just not the same. Maybe it's not having the big homie around anymore, it's just not home without Trell, but I have no choice but to get used to that. Rest in paradise fam...

It doesn't help to come back and see how much things have changed here. I walk into my work and I don't know anyone, someone I do know has some new haircut, people I never imagined together have some great relationship, not to mention my house has some interior remodeling going on. I get a break from school just to come home and my dad put me to work. I'm not complaining though, it's nothing but quality time to me.

Maybe eight days is too much though, after getting so comfortable at school I mean. Christmas break was no problem because I was always on edge at school, but now that I'm comfortable there and doing all the right things like good grades, I never really want to leave. After Thursday I was ready to go back, just too much of my mom I guess. I love her but she is definitely overwhelming.

And maybe I just got a lot on my mind, and I don't want to put anything else on there. Like my (Greek) big sister would ask me about why I was making dumb decisions at school, when I knew they were bad decisions. That's a fair enough question I'd say. It took me forever to come up with a legitimate answer but then it hit me. "I'd rather deal with that empty feeling after hooking up with someone, because even though as much as it sucks it's a hell of a lot better than that awful feeling you get from a break up, or even a relationship you were almost in that never really got there. A failure." Is that fair enough? Does anyone feel me on that? I never did well with break ups, granted I haven't been in a relationship in a long time. It's not like I haven't wanted to or tried, they just fall through and I get that awful feeling again. Yeah it's not as bad as a break up but it's a lot worse than it not happening. I've stopped that though, it just took some time, being new to the whole college thing.

It's things like that, just things I get mad at myself for. There's all kinds of things on my mind, just like every other person I'm sure, but not the same things. This job opportunity in Evansville, but am I even worthy of it? The fact that I'm a super pledge weighing on me all the time, killing me that I didn't make it to that one week but I'm glad enough that I'm still around for another chance.

I prayed for a couple good friends this past weekend, right in front of them. That was not easy. People may wonder why, but that means a lot to me. I know how it makes me feel when someone prays for me, especially right there with me in front of them. I remember the first time Matt did, that was just the beginning of a new life for me, or the preview to it. But meaning so much to me made it hard because that's the person I want to be, I want to be that person people ask for that, because of the way I look up to those people that ask for prayers from. I just don't know if I'm quite worthy of it, but I want to be, a lot more than some other things.

I spent some quality time with a friend tonight, seems like it brought back some old feelings. I don't know what to think of that, being in Evansville and what not. But I can't pretend to act like I forgot those old feelings, like they died when I moved or something like that, that text message I got definitely made me think. I catch myself reading it more than once so I'm sure I read it right. I just hope she's not putting something on herself she doesn't want to think about.

Jeeze.... what am I doing haha, I love to put myself on blast like this. What I strange life I lead, but I can't help it. Without this, I'm just that mysterious type to those I'm not close to I guess. It's not like anyone reads it anyways. This break's bout over, John Mayer concert tomorrow, can't wait for that one. Then Sunday it's back to school, gotta go to church though. I don't know what I would do without Northside that's for sure, that's one thing that helps make this place feel like home.

"Me and all my friends, we're all misunderstood. They say we stand for nothin' and there's no way we ever could. Now we see everything that's goin' wrong with the world and those who lead it, we just feel like we don't have to means to rise above and beat it. So we keep on waiting, waiting on the world to change. We keep on waiting, waiting on the world to change. It's hard to beat the system when we're standing at a distance. So we keep on waiting, waiting on the world to change."

-->Alex Richey<--

He Dropped The World

I'll remember it as long as I shall live... December 18, 2009 at 2:42 pm I received that phone call. It was my buddy Kyle calling me up, I figured he was trying to invite to do something that night since we had just ran into each other the day before. Dude couldn't even keep his sentences together...

"A-Rich I need to you to t-t-t-take me seriously right now... like as serious as ever,"

"okay whats up bud?"

"I'm not kidding, this is serious..." At this point I'm annoyed

"Dude what the hell do you have to tell me?"

"Dude Trell... Trell's dead..."

"No... no no no no.... your kidding me"

"No I'm not, he died earlier... he... he's gone..."

We talked for a few minutes but nothing else we said mattered after that. I called Biddy to end up talking to Lamar, only to hear Biddy crying in the background. I call Brandon, knowing he's four hours away. It took a few attempts to get a hold of him, but it only hurt to talk to him hearing the state that he was in.

I was like in shock... It was kinda like everything around me just stopped, or it blurred or something, things were just not making sense at all. It amazing some of the things I saw on facebook within hours after the event. You realized how many people were affected.

I'd say I'm a strong person, I've dealt with a lot, I don't really cry. I can honestly say that me and Trell were one of each others' best friends, we were more than that, him, Brandon, Biddy, and myself were a family, are a family, we were accepted as part as his family. I got a lot weaker that day, I didn't cry much, but I still did. This was the single biggest loss I had ever suffered in my life.

I got really pissed off at a lot of people that night, I mean we did, the three of us. When we were invited to drink in his memory by a bunch of people that weren't the friends to him that we are. It was selfish of us no doubt, but we were pissed off, our brother was taken from us and we didn't want to go anywhere to have what could possibly be a good time and we were pissed off that so called friends were doing that. We actually went, and we really had to leave, wasn't our scene that night.

I realized in that selfishness that even though we were the tripod(them being the three legs and me being deemed by Trell as the short arm that points the camera) Trell was a real personal dude. If you didn't like Trell, something was wrong with you, really wrong. He was there for people, he was the muscle in our crew, he was the shoulders, he was a shoulder for everyone. The three of us, hell the four of us because I can't forget Chris lost our shoulders that day.

I so bad wanted to wake up the next day and this be a dream, I'm still in that dream I feel like because it's so surreal. I'm glad I got in touch with God when I did for I would've rejected God after this. Ended up needed God more than ever after this.

We were one day away from all being together. The next day Brandon was gonna be home and we were probably all gonna get trashed together who knows what the hell we would've done, it just would've been great to have us all in the same room again because it had been forever. It would've been just like my junior year when I became part of that crew. The statuesque tradition of movie night. We wasn't always watching a movie but there was always a movie playing. Sometimes it was just us, sometimes it became a party but no matter what it turned into, it was always us. It was our thing, it's what we did and we never did much else because all we ever needed was each other. Always at "Olde Town...my house...third floor...on the couch" as Trell would say. That's where we made our memories and we had plenty more to make.

Every great memory I recall from high school involves these guys, I even remember the first time I ever hung out with them. I was and will always be "token white boy" and they'll always be my niggas, I might not ever call anyone else that... probably shouldn't. I remember when I got to my senior year, I was miserable without them but once they came back it was on. Back to the good old days.

I remember during the wake, I don't know how I ended up at the podium speaking but I did, I had to fight back the tears, he wouldn't want that. I got up there and told about the good times, because Trell was a good times type of guy and I had to do what I could to put a smile on the face of my self and everyone else, that guy was always smiling. I don't get to see that smile anymore, don't get to make anymore stories. I hate that seeing him in a box was the first time I had seen him in way too long. We had just talked a couple days prior, about the weekend too. It was on our agenda to get together.

That funeral service was a hard day. I think that's when it all sunk in. I was one of the honorary pall bearers, Biff, Chris, Biddy, Brandon, and myself. One mentor, one apprentice, and the remaining pieces of the tripod. I sat there, soaking up all that was being said, watering up here and there but never really crying. Until it was over, until we stood up to take one more look and to walk by the family. We were close to that family, we are close to that family. When Trell was in Iowa at school I would still stop by the Olde Towne to see the fam, I was the token white boy to that whole family not just those three. But walking past there was when I lost it, probably the hardest cry I ever cried. I really felt like the whole week of him passing had hit me and the fact that I have to spend the rest of my life without my nigga had all just hit me. It was the single worst feeling I had ever felt. It still hurts.

Brandon, Biddy, and myself shared a hug in the lobby. Tellin' each other that were all we have left, our crew took a major blow there but were still gonna stay strong, he'll keep us that way in spirit. We know that even though we don't spend near as much time together as we used to that shit hasn't changed. There's no doubt in my mind that I'd jump in front of a bullet for those guys and I know they'd do the same.

Trell was that person that you didn't want to let down, if you was messing up, you didn't want to admit it to him. He demanded the best from everyone and did whatever he could to be the best for himself. The promise that Chris made to Trell to get an education outside of Clarksville is the most important promise that Chris will ever keep because that will better him and Trell knew it, and Chris would not let Trell down. Real friends never would and nobody would want to let Trell down because he was trying to look out for everyone. He was the shoulders for everyone.

He held the world up with those shoulders, and when he dropped, so did the world...

I'm gonna recover, I mean I'm done crying. This can't get any worse, God forbid I lose another person. But I can't lose Trell again, I just have to go the rest of my days without him. That's shitty but it's life. To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, shit I hope so. Mourning is just as much a part of life as celebrating, that's something I've learned from this. So I tell our stories of the great times we had to celebrate the life he lived, to celebrate the fact that I know we'll hold movie nights in the sky one day. It's gonna seem like a short time once were there. I'm gonna celebrate the fact that I know that me and the guys have a guardian angel looking over us at all times now because he was that the entire time, but now we just can't see him or speak with him. We don't need to, he knows we love him and we know he loves us.

He told us not to sweat the small stuff, he's probably shaking his head at me right now for being the emotional wreck that I am but I can't help it, now I have to just remember him saying it instead of actually hearing it.

Jeantrell Aushant Byas (11/24/89-12/18/09), "Tiny", number 77, Rest In Paradise my brother... Save some room for me on that sectional couch I'm sure your playin' xbox on for when the rest of us show up...

He loved them head phones, I had to get me a pair as well...

I could never write something good enough, but I had to write something... He'd appreciate it I know he would. My world will always be missing something now, a piece fell off when it dropped and broke, broke my heart but will never break the love I have for mine...

Tripod Forever

-->Alex Richey<--

Rushing Things

A recap of this past Thursday morning...

So... I don't have class until 1:15 on Thursdays and even though I would love to sleep in and get plenty of rest, I opt to wake up at 9:30 so I can get a good start, get lunch, and study for the exam I'm going to have in that class that day. So 9:30 rolls around and I hit the snooze button, why not? I'm in no rush, clearly. Well the second alarm rolls around and all of a sudden it's 1:40... How does that happen? It doesn't snooze for 10 minutes, but an hour and 10 minutes. Now I jump out of bed, highly pissed. Cussing and going off about how stupid this thing is for doing that, while throwing my clothes on and running out the door. On the way across the street I pass one of the guys and complained about my misfortune and he told me good luck, I guess since I was half an hour late for my exam.. I knew I was screwed. Until I had almost made it an entire block and I pull out my cell phone to come to the realization that it is 9:44 am. I turn around and my buddy sees that I notice the time and we both can't help but laugh. I get back to my room to look at my clock and I was right to freak out, it really did jump four hours. I don't know why, maybe it's some sick joke that the clock does. It sure worked.

The panic and rush I was in was not a pleasant position. I hated that moment and it took a good while to collect myself. But I realize, it's like that for many people, just about everyone. We're always rushing to some place or rushing to get something done and it's always our own fault that were in that position. I realized at the moment I was running to class that it was my own fault that I hit the snooze, it's my own fault every time that I wait until the day before to finish a paper and stay up way too late finishing it. And I know I'm not the only one.

You gotta think, it's just part of life, being rushed. But how many of us purposely do that? Wait until the last minute to write a paper, or leave home to give us just enough time to get to work, or class or wherever we shouldn't be late for. Are we just being lazy or can we not imagine life without being rushed?

Why is everyone always in a rush? Why is everyone always speeding to where they are driving except old people? You don't have to be anywhere when your retired, must be nice. Why is everyone always too busy to do a favor because that small gift of time would mess up what they are doing and all of a sudden they're in even more of a rush?

Why do we rush through life? We make it to where we can't even enjoy it. This crazy busy of a semester with non-stop rushing has made me realize that. I remember move in day to the "T" and it was like two and a half months ago, I wonder where time between now and then went. But then again, I remember almost all of it because it all feels like just yesterday. Yeah, it's nice to be able to recall everything, but it would be much better to actually be able to enjoy most of it. The late night talks with my brothers and all the times of the chanting loud enough for the whole campus to hear it. And of course the times when I get to get my ass kicked in 2k by the dude that's pretty much the reason I even go to this school.

All I'm saying is that we're going to continue to rush through life until it's over before we know it because we never took the time to actually enjoy it. I'm trying to slow down, get things right the first time so I can enjoy some free time afterwards, and just enjoy the aspects of life a little bit more.

I'm starting to learn more and more everyday that life is too good to just rush through, and that I'm at the beginning of the best years of my life right now and I can't afford to mess them up. This is where responsibility really starts.

So go head, live life to the fullest...

-->Alex Richey<--

Getting Unsettled Again

So I know I've been in need of one for a very long time now, well that time is here. College has really got to me, its been crazy and that's kept me from writing and I hate it. When it comes to finding some free time and you can actual relax, or write if your like me, good luck and finding it if you don't wanna be up into the wee hours of the night. I can't lie, I'm having the time of my life and I'm sure it's only going to get better but it takes a lot out of me, not the fun but the school.

I can honestly say I've never really had to try in school, well those days are gone now and never to return I'm sure. Mentally it's a killer. I have spent many of days suffering from mental exhaustion. Staying up until two, three in the morning some nights is just not what I was hoping for, thank God I have the student center to work in which also makes me realize that I'm not the only one.

I have definitely learned a lot here though. And no, it's not to don't pass out with your shoes on.. I've gained much more than scholarly knowledge being here but I have received that too. Life lessons have come along with that as well. I would never have expected so much to happen in only my first month of school but it has, it's just insane.

I've had another example that your friends are definitely more important than females, and I have gotten a real example of brotherhood, a brotherhood that I cannot wait to be a part of. I've definitely learned that high school does not prepare you for college, and Clarksville high School doesn't at all... I know I'm being changed by college, it's bound to happen but it's for the better I can already tell. I was told repeatedly that I would fail here, that I wasn't ready. That is motivation enough, and he was right, I wasn't ready but I'm adjusting and I'm not failing either. It's going to take some work to be where I want to but I have full confidence that I'll be better off with time. I've learned that I can stay true to my faith, despite the fact that many thought college would turn me out. Ask anyone and they'll tell you, I've probably spoken to them about God and what God has done for me.

I think that's helping me to deal with the difficulties here. I have God in my life, just knowing that simple fact makes things better for me. I had a moment where me and this guy who is an alumni in the fraternity that I'm joining got in my face and called me things like stupid and ignorant for being a Christian. The night before when I met him, before he knew my beliefs we were really cool but he judged me on what I believe. I would never force my beliefs on someone, I accept everyone for who they are and if they don't like the same things I do, so be it. Just respect what I believe. I don't think I had ever been so mad in my life, but with some wise words from some wiser people than I, I was fine.

That was definitely a situation I didn't expect to deal with but I'm well over it now. The thing was that I thought he was real cool until that went down. It's things like that that are making me stronger. I lost that argument I admit. I mean, I wasn't trying to convince the guy that what I believed was better than Atheism, I was just trying to get him to respect me but it didn't work. He did whatever he could to put me down. It got to me but it didn't affect my faith. Only made me stronger.

I've had two instances where I have slept in the room with someone that wasn't my roommate. On both instances I behaved. I was proud of myself I guess because I'm sure that a few months ago I may have acted differently. But also I haven't been into treating women like nothing. A relationship right now is probably far from what I need but I'd much rather do that than just get around. That's not the person I'm going to be.

When it comes to back home, yeah I miss it. I miss my boys, I miss my family. I REALLY miss my dog, she can't communicate with me, that's sad. It made me really appreciate home when I went there last weekend and everyone was really happy to see me, I didn't really expect that much. Honestly I feel like the thing I want here that I have back home is my church. I feel lost without Northside here, it sucks. It's not making me act out in ways I wouldn't if I was going to church but I just want the words of wisdom. I'm still reading my Purpose Driven Life, but only for a few more days. After that I'm going to start on the Bible. I hear that's a good one...

Honestly, I'm loving it. This may be the best time of my life already and I know it's only getting better. I can't wait for this evening, it's passover. No, not the Jewish holiday, the day I pledge to my fraternity and become a part of this brotherhood I'm so excited for. It's probably the same reason I woke up so early. That's why this is titled "Getting Unsettled Again" because I'll probably moving out of my dorm tomorrow, but really I'm feeling right at home here. I was having trouble write, hopefully those days are behind me and can get back to putting them out a lot. I feel it's necessary to share what I learn with the world.

I'm starting to learn how I have to do things, school-wise and that's going to set me up for the rest of college and I'll be absolutely fine. I'll have brothers to get my back if I start to fall. The best days of before are not going to compare to the future, and I can't wait. I'm not going to rush though, I'm going to enjoy every moment of it.

"May the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows, but we ain't even thinkin' that far yet..." - Jay-Z: Forever Young

-->Alex Richey<--

Yeah, I'm back... Be ready.

New Life

So today, Sunday the 16th (even though it's technically Monday) I was baptized. I'm 18 years old, older than most people that are typically being baptized but I wouldn't want it any other way. The choice was mine.

A year ago, you would've been crazy to think you'd see me in chuch and even a month ago, getting baptized was not something I had even considered. Now it's all different, this is the path for me, this is the person that I want to be and I could not have made a better choice.

When I was young (like child status) I had occasionally been drug into church. It's not like I didn't necessarily want to go, I just didn't understand, wasn't made to understand so I didn't care much, just went and behaved.

As I got older, more into the middle school ages I went a little more often. I would go to the FCA meetings after school and sometimes to the youth groups on Wednesdays. As I look back onto it I see that I really was only there because I had friends there. Sure I sang along with the songs and stuff but I never got the message. I would sit and listen, but I never really heard what was being said, it just wasnt on my wavelength. So I stopped going for a while.

In high school I would go to church occasionally with my grandma, or with my dad and step mom. I could just never get into it and the catholic church was just really not for me. No disrespect to those who are catholic, it's just not my thing. I really tried hard to get into it, go some sundays, go like every wednesday but it never did anything for me.

I never grew up with the most satifying life. For a while things went well but when they started getting at home around the time I was getting into middle school, they never got better. It was like things would appear to be improving and just never did. Like every little promise was being broken. This was kind of motivation for me to get into it but it never worked. My grandma did it, my granny was in church, and my mom was going with my grandma and taking my brothers as well, and my little sisters are going to a catholic school. It was as if I was the only one not getting in touch.

My grandma would ask me to go to church occasionally and I would just to make her happy, she would ask me if I'd like to attend some camps and I would in the best way I could find a reason not to go. I wasn't much for having the stuff shoved down my throat when it wasn't something I was into. My mom would ask me why I never went anymore. My honest excuse was the one I gave her, "it doesn't do anything for me." That was the truth. I had spent time praying, going to church, and paying dues, hoping for things to be looking up, hoping for my miracle that never happened. She accepted it, for she knew how I felt and wouldn't try to force me into although she would have rather me been there.

I had become anti-church. It wasn't that I was atheist because I did believe there was a God, it's just that I didn't believe in that God, didn't believe that it was my God. I was respectful to all those who chose that life style, it was just not my life style. I had tried and tried and it had just never had the effect I had wanted it to so I just shut it out.

I had got to the point where I wasn't gonna look to God for answers, only myself with no consideration for any other way. I had become ambitious, living only for me. I felt as if I was the only person who could make my life better. I didn't like to ever discuss religion with people, especially my family. People want to see someone who loves God, maybe they are envious and impressed sometimes, and I did not want to let anyone down but at the same time I would not avoid being honest so I would therefore feel like an ass for not being what they may want.

I'm not sure when it was that I started hanging out with Michael, sometime when there was still snow on the ground, and I'm not sure when the first time he invited me to church was, I think it was sometime after the snow melted. But I do remember feeling like an ass for being honest with him about my opinion on it. Here is my pretty good friend at the time, not as close as we are now but still someone I hang with a lot, he ask me to go to church with him one day and the only response I have for him is "Church is a hustle to me." and that was my honest opinion. I had gotten out of it so much that I was against it. I had only though of church as something that was designed to get your money. So he left it alone for a while and after inviting me a couple more times I abided and decided to try it out....

I don't remember my first time going to Northside, I was still in my idea of it not being for me, but after going a couple times and attending the Rising occasionally I started to pay attention. I had still never considered my baptism but I was starting to enjoy church somewhat, started to remember what was being talked about, started relating it to my life. Started to actually hear the message.

I remember Easter, my family was mad at me for not going with them but going to Northside for church was what I wanted to do and like I had said, the Catholic church is just not for me. Sure I did feel kind of bad for it but I had to do what is right for me and of course I did not want to turn down brunch with my best friend's family afterwards, the friend that had got me going to church in the first place. I was getting close to graduating, I'm less that a week from moving away now so I started to feel as if I needed to make some decisions on my own.

It started to seem as if faith had a bigger and bigger part in my life as time went on, even though that was not necessarily a big part since I had started from pretty much zero. I remember the long talks with Wendy my manager when I would get off work, this very religious woman, and seeing what she had been through, I listened and I listened very attentively. That helped my growth along with this message I had heard at church in the early part of June about living small, living like Jesus. Matt Allman gave that message and it had hit me harder than any other I had ever heard to that point. I even someone based an older blog on it (post #19) "The Greatness Of Self." After that I had definitely wanted to go to church.

From the later part of June until early/mid part of July I was very busy. Two weeks in Evansville for school, a week home, then a week on vacation. I missed a lot of church in those weeks, and strangely enough, I was not happy about it, I wanted to get back into the church and it was one of the reasons that I wanted to be home.

Shortly after I got home Michael had to go on his church retreat which I had originally wanted to go but could not afford too and was much too tired of being gone. When he came home Steven and I went to the Rising with him that next Sunday to hear about the retreat. These people had all these great stories about how much they had learned while they were there and how much closer they had grown to God. I was greatly envious and I had seen seven people get baptised that evening. That may have been the most amazing thing I had ever seen in my life just to see God have this kind of effect on these people, they were all just so happy... Like they had all just been given new life. It was incredible, it was from that moment that I knew I wanted that in my life. That was two weeks ago.

I had let the days go by just considering it, making a little mention of me wanting to get baptized to a few people, none to my family. I had just felt if I was to tell them before and then not go through with it that I would let them down, and there was still that uncertianty to it.

All that uncertianty had gone this past Friday at the Block when I had spoke to Matt about it. I told him and he thought it was great and he sat me down to have a talk about it. I told him my story in where I had stood my whole life with faith, basically all this typed here and he told me that I was getting baptized Sunday. Strangely it was one of the best things anyone had ever told me. I don't know how or why I got to feeling the way I do but I'm glad I do, I wouldn't have it anyother way. Then he prayed for me, prayed for the decision I had made, prayed for my future life, my new life with Christ. I had never had anyone ever pray for me until then.

He prayed like he was sitting across from God instead of me, prayed like he was talking to one of his buddies. That was something I had never had when I was younger and couldn't get into it. I would pray and instead of talking to God it was more like I was just thinking about what I wanted to pray about to myself. It was one of those things that just made me want to give up. Now I know how to talk to God though and all the doubt is gone.

I was tired of living for only me, I wanted more purpose in my life and I found that purpose with the help of the church, and more importantly and more importantly my friends. Now I have God as that higher purpose and I know I am not doing it alone.

I knew going in there that I wanted Michael to baptize me, or atleast help Matt do it. If not for Michael taking me, I'd never had been in there and if not for the things I had heard Matt say during the Rising and during Sunday mornings I would not have been in that water. All it took was a couple of questions, a couple of confessions. They weren't hard to answer, it was a simple yes or no but it was evidence of how much my life had been changed in such a short time because a few months ago the answers would have been all no.

A part of me feels kind of bad for not telling my family before, but it was the choice I had thought to be the right one. I wanted this for me, not anyone else. I didn't know if it would be the right thng for them to be there because they weren't part of my transition. It also makes me proud that it was a decision that I had made on my own, I wouldn't have done it if I was told do and nobody had ever really suggested it. Sometimes the choices you have to make don't necessarily make everyone happy but you have to live with that because you can't make everyone happy. You gotta make you happy first because you always have to live with yourself.

I'm glad I made the choice I did, there is no empty feeling in my anymore. I hope I can be the inspiration for someone the way my best friend was to me. There can be no better feeling than having a positive impact on someone's life I'm sure. I'm just an example that this is possible, a life with God is possible, and it's the best life to live for me. This is My New Life.

"It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life... for me." -Michael Buble: Feeling Good

-->Alex Richey<--