So as of just a few days ago I am officially a University of Evansville student. Putting in that deposit and filling out that form was just like a huge relief, a just lift off my chest because it has been stessful getting to this point, becoming official. Feels very liberating.
But at the same time it's just an empty feeling.
I'm sure I can relate it to what my 18th birthday is gonna feel like here in a couple of weeks since there will be no real advantages to me turning 18, except the club I guess (wowee)... What I'm sayin is I don't feel any different, I haven't actually moved in yet and I still have like 3.5 months so I'm sure it will hit me right around then.
You figure I would just be overjoyed but I'm far from that. I find trouble being happy nowadays with this feeling of dramatic change creeping up on me. I can't even remember the last time I was really happy, I don't really remember a time being extremely sad either it's just been all empty, emotionless. It's just reality having trouble setting in, and I'm not living in a dream world because this is not the way I want to necessarily be feeling.
When I first decided I wanted to attend UE all I could think about is the positives. The getting out on my own, the make my own rules, be my own person, take on some responsibility, COLLEGE lol, all that good stuff... Now that reality is starting to set in, not entirely but some is surely, I'm starting to realize negatives at the same time. There is not enough negative to make me change my mind but it has given me many nights of little sleep because of the constant consideration of what I will be missing. And then the actual realization....
I'm scared.
Is that so wrong? And it's not the scared of going, but the scare of leaving.. Know what I mean? I'm totally stoked to go to UE but I'm not totally stoked about leaving home anymore, not like I used to be.
Oh mann, I couldn't wait to get out of here, it was all I could think about of talk about. I was getting so sick of this place. I didn't think to stop and realize that I actually love it a lot. It's just some of the people I don't like being around. I see too much failure and I can't stand being surrounded by it anymore and I just wanted to get away.
Then I get to thinkin bout some of the things I'm gonna miss, the things that keep me up at night.
Well, its mainly the people of course. Like, I havent done a lot this year since my crew all went away to college so i just kinda laid low but I still do a little here and there and of course I have some friends. It's mainly the people that I hang out with the least, my graduating class. I really don't hang out with many of these people anymore but when I think about these are the people that I have been going to school with for up to 12 years now and that stops at the end of this year. Some of them, like Ty I have known all my life pretty much and we prolly won't talk a whole lot after graduation because we are going separate ways. It's kinda a harsh realization but it's reality, things like that happen and there's not much of anything to be done bout it, not really any point of trying either. Some of the other people I'm graduating with this year though, like the ones I hang out with if I'm ever with clarksville people. I realize that I've been trying to get closer to these people because I notice that this is our last year together so it's almost like a waste of time. I probably won't talk to many of them after June 1st. Growin up is a killer, and I'm at death's door.
Of course its not just high school it's always much more on my mind.
I think about one of my best friends, haven't even known him for a year but michael chrisman is my dude. Well he's a junior, he's still in high school after this year, whats gonna come of us? I mean I'm sure he'll make it up to Evansville occasionally like I did for brandon cuz thats what homies do. I'm sure I have nothing to worry bout but its just one of the many things I consider.
Then there is family, not so much my mom or dad because that's unconditional but my two closest cousins in particular. I miss Mckenna everyday with her being at western and we usually spend time together when she comes home but what about when I go to college too? What about when we both get out of college and we're adults with jobs? I don't know of many cousins that hang out a lot as adults and the thought kinda scares me.
And not to forget to secoy. We've gotten to be much closer as cousins lately and I don't want that to stop. That's one thing I have always wanted is to be closer to my family and now it's happening, I don't want that to be taken away. Hopefully because we are family, we can stick together. It's probably something I really don't need to worry about but at the same time I do. And through her I have all these great new friends that my friendship with them will be short lived because the majority of us are graduating and going on to do different things.
There's just so much that I realize that I could be missing when I go away, and even when I do come back, I could possibly forget these people, or be the forgotten one. We all want our friendships to last forever but people get weeded out by life. It's involuntary, you don't want it to happen but it does, and there is nothing you can to about that. You start to see what's necessary, what's actually important and you don't even notice that your doing it, your involuntary conscience does it for you. Just weeds them right out...
It starts to hit you, the things that your gonna miss. Your family of course and the relationships that you may have with people, may they be ones of significance or just friendships, I know that I'm missing out on both. You gotta make the right choice though and UE is the one for me. I mean I'm sure I could keep a relationship together over the distance but it takes two to do that. It's okay though, prolly won't be missing too much if they were too scared to try, but ya never know how something will go if ya never give it the chance to happen right?
I guess I should go ahead and get started on my goodbye's, because they actually will be goodbye's. Only a few "see ya soon's"... I'm gonna miss ya'll.
-->Alex Richey<--
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